Dr. Laura and Choices

So here's one of my major issues in my life. Okay, its obviously my biggest issue in my life, my weight. This is something I have struggled with for my entire life. I know people say that and its really an exaggeration, but for me its not. I have never been at a skinny or even healthy weight. Literally from the time I was a baby to present times, I have been fat. I think in many ways I wasn't treated as badly as some fat kids are, somehow I got lucky that way. But for what I lacked in teasing I made up with in self-disgust. As it sits now, I am at my heaviest weight ever and cannot believe I allowed it to get this far. My life is a string of excuses, laziness, and tomorrows where nothing ever really changes. Basically I am tired and getting sick because of who I am and what I look like. And I don't know how to fix it.

Sometimes, for entertainment purposes at lunch, I listen to Dr. Laura on the radio. I love listening to her bash people for their lack of common sense. Feeling self-righteous I go back to my pathetic existence like I don't face similar issues. But I do, we all do. One thing that has really struck a chord with me is her stance that being fat is a choice. I waver on this issue like a politician on a controversial issue. Is it really a choice for me to be where I am at? Or is it so in-grained in every facet of my life that actual control ceased to exist over a decade ago? I really don't feel like I have a choice, I never have felt that way.

I can't explain what it is like to live as a fat person, knowing you won't or can't be included in some of life's best moments because of your size. I often wonder what I would be like if I had ever really known a healthy lifestyle. Would I still be so shy and scared? Would I have let people hurt me with their words simply because I already felt inferior? Would I have been as lonely as I am today?

I don't know, and I think I am too afraid to find out.