Dr. Laura and Choices

So here's one of my major issues in my life. Okay, its obviously my biggest issue in my life, my weight. This is something I have struggled with for my entire life. I know people say that and its really an exaggeration, but for me its not. I have never been at a skinny or even healthy weight. Literally from the time I was a baby to present times, I have been fat. I think in many ways I wasn't treated as badly as some fat kids are, somehow I got lucky that way. But for what I lacked in teasing I made up with in self-disgust. As it sits now, I am at my heaviest weight ever and cannot believe I allowed it to get this far. My life is a string of excuses, laziness, and tomorrows where nothing ever really changes. Basically I am tired and getting sick because of who I am and what I look like. And I don't know how to fix it.

Sometimes, for entertainment purposes at lunch, I listen to Dr. Laura on the radio. I love listening to her bash people for their lack of common sense. Feeling self-righteous I go back to my pathetic existence like I don't face similar issues. But I do, we all do. One thing that has really struck a chord with me is her stance that being fat is a choice. I waver on this issue like a politician on a controversial issue. Is it really a choice for me to be where I am at? Or is it so in-grained in every facet of my life that actual control ceased to exist over a decade ago? I really don't feel like I have a choice, I never have felt that way.

I can't explain what it is like to live as a fat person, knowing you won't or can't be included in some of life's best moments because of your size. I often wonder what I would be like if I had ever really known a healthy lifestyle. Would I still be so shy and scared? Would I have let people hurt me with their words simply because I already felt inferior? Would I have been as lonely as I am today?

I don't know, and I think I am too afraid to find out.

Its Been A While

Oh the ups and downs of life! Since my last post it seems life has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. The have been some big ups like accepting a new job with my mentor, getting to take nice long break from classes, and the news that I am going to be an aunt!!!! And there have been some big downs like having to say goodbye to my friends at my soon-to-be-former job, having to go back to class, and staring down the potential of losing my roommate and good friend, Saturday Morning.

Like all things these ups and downs have made me examine life and what I want from it. I don't know if things are right or wrong, but I feel like I'm right where I need to be. I know some of my choices have caused concern on those in my life, like switching jobs or purusing an ambiguous degree. Most of those concerns haven't come my way directly, which bothers me a bit, but is generally understandable. We all make our own way and not everyone can understand why or how we make those decisions. I won't know what I've done until I live to forget it, for now I don't regret where I am. With one huge, obvious exception.